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United States of America
The United States of America was founded by the Founding Fathers and Jesus in 1775. It is viewed as the the Israel for Christians, as was believed by the first Governor of Taxaxhusetts John Winthrop. It is widely acknowledged to be the greatest country in the history of the world. It is located on the continent of North America. States The United States consists of 50 states (in order of who gives a rip). They are: # New York # California # Florida # Washington D.C. # Democrats Dismal "We like Facts" Land # SSUWT (Southern States United Without Texas) - Texas gets its own state # Alawaii- aka loser state that doesn't really count # Stephen Colbert County aka Jesusland # Asthreiuszebayehtn (The 'b' is silent) # The big piece of everything else that Bush was too tired to name. (TBPEETBWTTTN) ... 50. Texas (a.k.a. Texas) America's Accomplishments The accomplishments of the nation of America include, but are by no means limited to: * Making Adolf Hitler shoot himself in the head * Making Saddam Hussein hang himself * Vietnam War * Single handedly winning World War II * Having the balls to drop not 1, but 2 atomic bombs * Inventing the Moon * Then convincing an entire world we flew to the moon. * Schools/Educational System * Suing McDonalds for making people fat * Suing Mcdonalds for making coffee too hot * Slavery * Ending Slavery * Billion dollar research grants to help old men get boners * Bringing back the Snuff Film. * Inventing the Bible * Billions invested in enlarging breasts so they'll be noticed no matter what the woman wears * Inventing Lindsay Lohan * Fighting for the freedom to Love Jesus * Inventing Mel Gibson, now THERE'S an AMERICAN! * The F-22 Raptor, so the enemy can't see what's coming. * Millions in tax breaks to oil companies * Supporting revolutions against very, very, very evil leftist South American governments to install gentle dictators such as the delightful Augusto Pinochet * Not educating the idiot above me who misspelled 'resolutions'. * Not educating the idiot above me who didn't realize the guy above him really did mean "revolutions." * Not launching atomic bombs only to impress the Soviets * Not educating the idiot above me who thinks that the way to use atomic bombs is to "launch" them. * Liberating Iraq....twice * Kicking ass * Taking names (in that order) * The development of Nutra-Sweet, Sucralose, etc., because sugar is for commies. * Trying to get cancer daily. * Creating an alliance with God to create the world in Seven Days. God is presently working with his his dad's experts on an exit strategy. * Defeating commies in Vietnam, Korea, and Ye Olde Soviet Russia * Babying those pansyass French * Inventing Baseball * Inventing War * Hiding extraterrestrial aliens from the rest of the world * Winning the Battle of 9/11 * Winning the War on Christmas * Being the home of one of the most truthiest news stations in existance (Fox News) * Producing Stephen Jr. to gain access to Canadian air space as a covert survailance technique, to collect intelligence on bears, French-Canadians, and subsequent sense of place. * The World Bank The War of Independence (see main article United States Independence Day for more information) The United States was officially founded on July 4 some time many years ago after a long and arduous struggle against the British Empire and the forces of Scientology, i.e. Tom Cruise. This war was World War 0, and it was a very big war. As well, it is the last time the French came to the aid of America, due to their tobacco interests in the Colonies. The French Indian War Somewhere in the 1700's America was forced to defend it sovreignty against indians wearing berets, smoking Gauloises, and drinking fermented pig shit. They called it "pastis". With superior technology and leadership, America pushed the surrender monkeys into the frigid, bear infested, regions of Canada. Some may say that it was the British who fought the war with the French. But this is not true. They only participated in a supporting role cleaning up the bodies of French combatants as George Washington led the Americans in decisive battle after battle. As a gesture of good will George Washington gave the British rule over Canada. Noted Heroes of the War of Independence and All That it Stands for * Team America: World Police * George Washington * Stephen Colbert * George W. Bush * Jesus H. Christ * The Baby Jesus * Truthiness Monkeys * Killer * Moses *That Guy who played Moses * Sylvester Stallone * Luke Skywalker * Obi-Wan Kenobi *Ted Nugent *Mike Nugent (Ted's Son) Noted Villians of the War of Independence Against All That it Stands for * Satan * The Baby Satan * Bears * Bill Clinton * The Clenis * Hillary Clinton * Canadians * Jane Fonda * Harrison Ford * Robert Redford * Hollywood * Democratic Party * Nancy Pelosi * Liberals * Communist Party * Al Franken * Barbra Streisand Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States For the "gifts" America has given the world, please click here. Example: 'gifts' (Pam Anderson's Boobs);'inventions' (Fake Boobs) * Camcorders * VHS tapes and Home Video Player/Recorders * Digital video * streaming on-line video * the NSA * satellite surveillence * Fried foods * wardrobe malfunctions * washing machines * anything from the Doc Johnson product line * hand lotion * computers * MySpace * IMs * Republican Congressmen *Gummy worms * The Donald Non-Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States * Spell Checker * Movies based on Broadway plays/musicals or foreign movies or TV shows * Space Travel * War, war and war * weather manipulation Chemtrails * reality TV * unreality TV (see O'Reilly Factor) * the clapper * MIB * Talk radio *Everything Kickass *All sports, except Hockey, Basketball and Soccer *Guns *Beer * Potent Marijuana * Poor People * Outstanding Levees in New Orleans * HIV infected Hookers * Woody Allen * AIDS